Maybe

Is it always the breaking up part that hurts the most? I'm gonna venture a Carrie Bradshaw and say that when a relationship ends, the first thing that happens is a realization of potential lost.

Go through the reasons for why I stayed around...

- The best date of my life happened with him. We ate sushi, had drinks and saw the Hepburn version of Sabrina at an old theatre. There aren't many people that can stand seeing love on the screen in black and white. He was one that would have been up for a double feature.
-For the first time in my life I heard a man say to me, "Small steps." Which translated to me as "Let's take this slow. I know this is amazing and I don't want to fuck it up."
-There is always the one person in your life (I've heard) that is supposed to make you laugh and cry the hardest. He has had me in both kind of tears.
-He was the first guy I had dated that didn't think the AFL-CIO was an expansion league for football.
-He loves my cat, a little less than he loves his own

All of these potentials, wrapped up nicely with a big fat bow sat before me, as I nodded away the disallusionments..

but I won't trouble you with those...
maybe later.

It all comes down to one simple truth that has nothing to do with the lack of availability, communication or even foresight.
You can plan and plan, and have state of the union conversations on how to improve your relationship.
You can fight the inertia.

But you can't make someone love you.

He didn't love me.
Yes, maybe it wasn't the right time.
Maybe he is going through too much to deal with it.
But it's still there, dead as silence..
He didn't love me.

And what is the point in fighting for someone that is inevitably going to break your heart?
To make sure, I guess. To feel alive.
There is a moment at the beginning of a relationship where it is mad, passionate and extraordinary... and people have told me that relationships are meant to settle down.. the drive goes away, that the excitement is in the chase and once you've arrived at couple nation, you take the solemn oathe to settle.

One thing that I realize about myself? It's never me who suggests the slowing down. It's never me who gives into inertia. The only thing I have ever done whole heartedly in my life is love someone. I'm good at it.
It might be the only thing I acknowledge that I am good at.
And at some point maybe I'll start to figure out why this scares them. At some point I'll figure out why it's easier for them to fuck up than to fix things. And finally, at some point I'd like to know why it takes me six months to figure out that this is what makes me better than them.

At some point, maybe mad, passionate and extraordinary will become more than a distant memory.

maybe.